Rewind by Emily Barnett

Groggy three-hour sleeps, waking, fumbling, fearing. Is Baby still breathing? Is he hungry? I need this season to molt its tired feathers so I can grow new ones and fly from these anxieties, the weariness of my body. 

Fast Forward, please.

Six months and sitting up, eating food, shrieking and laughing—at me. Mama. His eyes light up and my world is aglow. I didn’t know love was an endless well. Every day, I reach down and pull up more to give. 

Pause, please.

Talking, running, singing. It’s all too fast and my temper, my fears, have gotten in the way again. Can I have a do-over? I want to remember how he said “am-bee-bunce” and called his cat “ya-ya”, and I wished I’d stared into his eyes rather than a phone. 

Rewind, please.

Baby fat slips away with the years and he’s six. Reading and making friends. Experiencing new things. Loving God and fighting the deadskins of sin that tend to cling. Skipping away without Mama’s kiss though my well has not dried up. Time drips like sand and clings to my tear-stained cheeks as I yell, 

Stop, please!

Future bares its teeth and I flinch. It’s coming for us and I can’t stop it. Rewind it. But my memories are a script and I rehearse the years, remembering the hard and the good, and I find we are every age rolled into one. He is still that newborn and infant and toddler and boy. One day, a teen. A man. I am still learning and growing and fighting for good. And my well overflows. So now I hold on to time’s coattails and whisper, 

Play, please.

Emily seeks wonder in other worlds to remind readers of the wonder in ours. She is married to a bearded man, home schools their two young boys, and loves the slow process of sourdough, bird-watching, and gardening. Her YA science fantasy debut, Thread of Dreams, was published March 2024 with Owl’s Nest Publishers. Emily is represented by Andrea Morisson of Writer's House.